I’ve got mail

Hi everyone. It’s Depero here. Finally got my lazy self back to writing. Hope you enjoy this ☺

My home is unusually quiet today. My daughters are spending the weekend with my parents and my husband has travelled again for some work related matter, on the upside he’ll be back tomorrow. His office keeps sending him all over the place.

The knock on my bedroom door startled me, I was so deeply engrossed in the movie I was seeing. Today’s one of the few Saturdays I get to stay in and be lazy. Which happens to be a really good thing because I woke up this morning feeling unsettled for some reason I haven’t been able to figure out yet. “Who’s there?” I asked from within. “Good morning madam, it’s Shehu. A man from DHL is at the gate. He says he needs you to sign for a letter”. “I’ll be there in a minute”. I put on my robe and headed out to the gate.

I’m not expecting any mails so I figure it’s something for my husband. After signing for the package I notice it’s address to me from a name I can’t recollect and suddenly that unsettled feeling comes back. I rip open the pack as I head back into my house and find an envelope with a letter enclosed within bearing my name and initials upon it. Whoever sent this obviously knows me. I’m feeling a bit hungry so I head for the kitchen to make a sandwich to eat while I read the letter.

Dear Mrs Akintomi,

There’s no easy way to frame all I have to say to you so I’ll just go straight to the point. If you aren’t already seated you might want to take one. Moving on, I am Precious Fehintoluwa Williams; the woman that has been involved with Babalola in a love affair for the past ten years. I know that this might come as a shock to you seeing as you’ve been married to him for twelve years. Due to certain recent developments it’s finally time for us to meet but first I believe you deserve to know some basic things about me seeing as I know so much about you already.

I met Babs sometime around your second wedding anniversary. I believe you were six months gone then. You both were having serious issues back then and hadn’t spoken in four months. He was spending most nights out. It was on one such night that we met at a bar near his office. I was passing time at the bar waiting for the traffic to subside before I made my way home. He took a seat beside me at the bar and we got talking. It was an instant hit, the chemistry was undeniable, a match made in heaven.

Meeting Babalola was the best thing that ever happened to me. Over the years he has shown me just how deep his love for me runs. He has been there for me through it all both highs and lows. Like when I lost our baby due to stress from work it was like it hurt him even more than it hurt me. He took me on a two weeks trip to Corsica to get our minds of it, I believe he told you he had a ‘training program’ in France. In his defence, we needed the break to heal properly together.

Before you start getting any ridiculous ideas I need you to understand a few things. Babalola is more than a lover to me. He’s my support system, my career counsellor, my best friend, my protector, the love of my life and father to Semilore, our son. I’m not trying to take your husband away or replace you in your home.  I’ve been perfectly comfortable sharing Babs for the past ten years and I’ll be okay with that for even longer.

In a way our affair is partly why he’s still married to you. Whenever you push him past his limits and you know you do it well, he always has my arms to escape to. Likewise his being married to you helps our relationship. Whenever we have a falling out we never stay mad at each other for long because we understand that every moment we share is limited and that in itself makes it precious, so even after ten years and a child Babs still treats me like he did when we first fell in love.

Introductions over: the reason I decided to reach out to you now is because Babs has been depressed for the past 2 months. It’s because he really wants Fiyinfolu and Feyintola to get to know their younger brother. I totally understand where he is coming from and I see how you’ll be uncomfortable with this. Finding out your husband has a son that’s almost seven is shocking enough, then there’s the added fact that he wants his kids to get to know each other.

Before you go swearing that the only way this will happen is over your dead body. I’d like you to take some time and clearly think about this. Your girls have met him already although they don’t know he’s their little brother. I’m thinking play dates to start with, then when your are more comfortable, sleep overs at my place and yours. This whole plan depends on you and your acceptance of Semilore. I know it’s asking a lot of you but I think it’s the best for us all especially for Babs and the kids.

I discussed this with Babs and he’s okay with my reaching out to you. He also thinks it’s best if he gives you some space while you make your decision so he won’t be home for a week. Please try to think about this as rationally as you can, if for no one else but the girls.



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Posted by on July 23, 2013 in Uncategorized


Ever Mine

Hello. Depero here. Enjoy.

It’s 7:30am and my alarm clock goes off. I get out of bed, pull back my curtains and throw open my windows. It’s a bright sunny day. The winds carry the chirping of the beautiful birds that have made a home in the tree beside my apartment into my room. I feel a smile form across my face as I mentally go through my plans for today. It’s the first time I’ve smiled in the past month. I take a step back and disrobe in front of my window allowing the sun to caress every inch of my 5″5″ voluptuous frame. I take a shower and dress up very carefully. From head to toe I’m dressed in items bought for me by Kamil. I even have my make up and hair done just d way he likes it. I’m also wearing his favorite colour for me, azure. He says it adds to my glow, my Kamil. I lock up my apartment and head for my car. I get behind the wheels and look up at the sky. It’s a beautiful morning and I’m feeling good.

My phone alarm beeps from my desk drawer, it’s 4:30pm; closing time. I leave my office and head over to Kamil’s place stopping over briefly at the market. By 7:15pm dinner is ready and the table is set: fried plantain and afang soup with homemade mango juice, it’s Kamil’s favorite meal. I head for his room and take a much needed shower. I lay down upon his bed to rest but I can’t seem to relax, so I shut my eyes and reminisce about my times with Kamil. I met Kamil on a cold rainy day. My stupid car had refused to start and I was bent over d hood, umbrella in hand and at a total loss when he drove past and splashed water from a nearby puddle all over me. I was drenched and furious to say the least, so when he parked his car n came down to apologize the first words that left my lips were “You blind asshole”. Two weeks later, Kamil took me out to dinner as an apology for the unfortunate incident. That was the start of our whirlwind romance. We drove each other crazy but we couldn’t stand to be apart. He catered to my every need; emotional, sexual, material. He was all I ever wanted and more. He said I made him whole. He said I would always be his. He said he’ll never leave me. Eight months and countless dates later, Kamil had my heart and I had his ring. Our families met and we picked a date 7 months away; 5th of January, 2013: our wedding day.

Kamil’s mother was a mean spirited bitch and she wasn’t thrilled that her son was getting married to me. She believed I was the reason Kamil broke up with his ex; her friend’s daughter. She had pulled all manner of tricks while we were dating to split us up but it never worked. The worst one happened 6 weeks to our wedding. Kamil’s dad had traveled and she invited us over for dinner. While we were eating, she informed Kamil that a prophet of hers had said we would never be able to have kids because I had exchanged my womb for the power to control men. I stood up to take my leave, she threw her glass of water in my face and called me an opportunistic, barren, whore. I walked out of the house and drove home. When Kamil came over later that night I was still fuming and I told him he had to pick between his mother and I, he chose me. A week after the dinner incident, Kamil started having the same dream night after night for 3 straight weeks. In his dreams, it was our wedding day, he was having a conversation with his mother when suddenly he got shot from behind and whenever he turned around to see who it was I was behind him holding up the gun. He called me up on our wedding day and told me he was sorry and although he loves me he was scared and couldn’t go through with it. He had the nightmare again. Our wedding was off. I spent my wedding day hospitalised.

Just thinking about it has me in tears. I hear the front door open so I sit up on the bed and glance at my watch, it’s 8:30pm. Kamil is home, he knows I’m here, my car is packed outside the compound. He’s been calling and begging to see me for the past 3 weeks. I hear him call out my name as he locks up the front door. He finds me in his room and in seconds he’s on his knees beside me, pleading with me, holding me. It’s more than I can bear and as always I’m powerless to his touch. I melt into his arms, sobbing my heart out. I guess my pain is too much for him too bear cause he’s also in tears. I stay in his arms for what seems like eternity then I look up into his eyes and he lightly kisses my lips. Oh, how I’ve missed his lips. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back with all that I have, all that I am. One hour later we’re naked, exhausted and hungry. I tell him dinner awaits and we make our way to the dining room.

Today is 24/01/13, it’s 7:30am and my alarm clock goes off. I get out of bed, pull back the curtains and throw open Kamil’s windows. I feel so alive. My world is falling back in place. It’s a beautiful sunny day. The ground is slightly damp from the nights rain. I feel a smile form across my face as I mentally go through last night’s events. Kamil’s lifeless body is on the bed. The poison I laced his drink with had it’s effect while we slept. I scrub his house carefully getting rid of all evidence that I was here. I get dressed, lock up his apartment and head for my car, I take one last look at his apartment as if to say goodbye. I get behind the wheels and head out, it’s time, he’s waiting. My Kamil awaits me on the other side. I’m off to meet my love and I’ve never been more at peace. As I drive off the bridge and into the ocean, I look up at the sky. It really is beautiful this morning, a perfect day to die.


Posted by on January 23, 2013 in guest writer


Just So You Know

Hi, depero here. Hope you enjoy this.

** ** ** **
Just so you know, I miss you.

I miss the way your lips curve up into a smile when I cut you off with a kiss.

I miss the way you move the tip of your tongue teasingly over my lips, a loaded promise in itself.

I miss the way you nibble on my lower lips working your way from one end to other.

I miss the way you make a trail from my lips to my neck with your kisses while I take a sit upon your laps.

I miss the way your breathing gets really heavy when I nibble on your ear lobe. A sign that you are fully aroused.

I miss the way you snap and take total control, taking off our clothes while you try to kiss me senseless.

I miss the way you lay me on my back and cover my breasts with your palms making slow circular motions against them.

I miss the way my nipples harden underneath your touch as a flood begins to form between my thighs.

I miss the way you replace your palms with lips, drawing circles slowly around my hardened nipples.

I miss the way you nibble upon my nipples causing me to arch upwards in pleasure.

I miss the way you kiss a trail down towards my other ‘lips’ going past them to my thighs and ending up behind my knees.

I miss the way you take your time to give my ‘lips’ a thorough ‘kissing’ leaving me gasping for air and wet as an otter.

I miss the way you prop my feet up on your shoulders sliding your fully sheathed dick in through my ‘lips’ slowly till I can take no more.

I miss the way you go still holding your breath when I clench my vagina walls around your penis.

I miss the way you slide in and out, slow then fast, changing positions, until my belly and thighs begins to quiver in the wake of my orgasm.

I miss the way you wrap me up in your arms afterwards dropping kisses on my neck and shoulders.

I miss the way your kisses go from shoulders to ear lobe while your fingers find my already erect nipples.

I miss the way you hold me in place when I wiggle my butt against your hardening penis.

I miss you, just so you know.


Posted by on August 30, 2012 in guest writer



Diary of an insane black woman

臒 嶮 Life is never that serious, enjoy :d

Arrrrrrrrrgggggh, bloody Monday like really its a Monday and its bloody, don’t ask too many questions just go with the flow . Woke up this morning wishing I could just stay in bed all day, but sadly I got to earn a living. Women are trying NO more like women dey try…. As in we are strong. Its crazy, like imagine carrying about load 3kg on your chest and having to wrap it and strap it for over 10hours of the day. As if that’s not enough imagine carrying about 8kg around ur hip and behind, walking or sitting with all day. Arrrgggh. Its a man’s world they say, best believe. Looking good? That’s another major headache, the weaves, the ‘fro, the make up, the clothes: crazy fashion trends that make it hard to keep up.
The most annoying in my honest opinion is the monthly bleeding, (can I insert another ARRRRRGGGHHH). First you suffer the PMS , if you have no idea what PMS is you are probably the cause of every woman’s problem. Like seriously the whole hormonal change and stuff makes us so cranky we just wanna grab the next guy and rip his face off his skull and on really bad days we want to make meatballs from his testicles. But we can’t , that makes us strong, I’m pretty sure any guy that suffers PMS for a day will probably pull a ‘Colorado shoot out’. But this is what we do—–> PMS day1: The chauvinist male boss has no idea what you going through, starts to take the piss, you really can’t do anything, so you sit there taking a bath in his golden shower, next thing he says something silly like ‘have you added weight’. Right there, yea that point, you cave in, get teary and rush to the toilet to cry your eyes out. ‘Why always me?’ Not the Balotelli way!.
Now this is just the beginning, sadly you are one of the about 45% that suffers MAD dysmenorhea, life couldn’t get worse shey. You have to work to get paid, Menstrual pain according to your chauvinistic boss doesn’t count as an illness. (TF).Its a crazy Monday, deadlines to be met, you wake up to see the visitor (you spend 10minutes cussing) you still feel like crap. Stay calm and use analgesics, you tell yourself. Not like it will help, the question of what to wear comes up. Left to you, your pyjamas will work fine. Sadly you can’t pull that shii off.
Your turn for presentation, you really have to close this deal, wearing your fake smile getting ready to bumble some shina rambo-like lyrics, you feel it….right under your belly button the intense sharp pain, the egg is probably rolling along the wall of your uterus (at least that’s what the book says) but really it feels like some one is trying to pull out your womb. All you want to do is scream, throw yourself on the blue Persian rug and wail in some exotic language, you look at the stern set faces of all the men in the board room, and wear your plastic smile. Blah-blah you continue ur ramblings about regression and monetary policies, and then another one sharper than the last, your eyes actually start watery as you let out a soft sound, sadly it came out like a moan, you see the shocked look on their faces, men are totally clueless you whisper to yourself. How you survived the 2hour presentation only your maker knows. You really deserve to get 5days off monthly when you are on your period you keep telling yourself but shii its a man’s world and they are totally blind to the pain of a woman.
Honestly for me a few shots of some strong liquor saves me from the drama, but really I think women should get days off for their periods. Just before you start whining about how I sound like sexist, you might want to sit your judgemental ass down. Its just my opinion whether you agree or not, I think women are really strong, trying bleeding for 3-5days and see if you can pull it off. 😀
Its a crazy Monday, shout out to all the women hustling to make a change, and to the men that love us and give us better loving. Peace!

FYI: I didn’t bother to edit this shii, I’m too hungry right now 🙂


Posted by on July 30, 2012 in Uncategorized


Reasons to NOT start a relationship

Hi, depero here. Enjoy.

Let me start by saying I am NOT a relationship expert. Fact is I’m not even in a relationship at the moment but seeing as the number of my exes is more than half my age (by the way I’m a couple of years past 21, do the maths) I think I know a thing or two about dating a guy for all the w-r-o-n-g reasons. So I will explore a few of these reasons taking case studies from my “well of experience”.

Reason #1: I must be evil to keep saying NO.

Nope! You’re not evil my dear. Far from it, you are doing the both of you a huge favour by standing firmly on your no. Do not waiver. Do not allow a guy to guilt you into dating him. Do not be afraid to crush his “heart” by rejecting him again. He WILL get over you. He will love AGAIN. It will NOT be the end of his life.

Case study A: Oshy had been asking, scratch that, he had been begging me to be his everyday for over a month. The only days I got him to keep quiet about it were on days when I threatened to stop hanging out with or talking to him if he didn’t give it a rest. So on one unfortunate day I decided to say yes because I was starting to feel like pure evil, second only to the Devil. Oshy practically worshipped the ground I walked upon. He treated me with so much care, like I was a fragile piece of treasure that could break at any moment. Sometimes he would just sit watching me while I watched TV, to be honest that shit creeped me out a couple of times. Well, he was wonderful for all of 3 months. Then he cheated on me and when I caught him (yes I did, with palm oil on his fingers and all over his greedy lips) he went as far as kneeling down in front of my house, close to tears, lying to my face that it wasn’t what it looked like (Kai, that boy deserved an award for his acting prowess). Needless to say I felt like I had stupid tattooed upon my forehead.
Moral of the story, if I had stuck to my guts it wouldn’t have happened

Reason #2 He adores me.

If the only reason you are saying yes to a relationship with him is because he simply adores you *laughs* you’re in for a rude awakening.

Case Study B: Dotun was crazy about me and so I decided to allow him try to please me seeing as it was all he wanted to do. I thought to myself, why deny the young man his request, he just wanted to make me happy. I must have been thinking through my arse because I refuse to give my brain credit for that thought. The problem was I didn’t feel half of what he felt for me. This made it really hard to ignore or tolerate his imperfections and in no time I was fed up and kicked him out of my life.
One more ex I didn’t need to have. It is pointless and extremely frustrating being in a one sided relationship. You’ll probably just end up with a fist full of hair and a new ex.

Reason #3: I can get him to like me as much as I like him and he will love me.

What the fuck did I drink that made me believe so much in my awesome powers. In hindsight, I think I bought a little too much into the whole girl-power-I-can-get-whatever-or-whoever-I-want thing. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m awesome, imperfections and all I’m still the best version of me, imperfectly perfect. But I must have been drunk to think I had the power to make him fall hopelessly in love with me. It doesn’t work that way, loving someone is a choice we make as I found out.

Case Study C: The 1st day I meet Uyi was the day I decided that I was going to make him burn for me. We became friends and then I realised something shocking, he sister-zoned me. Imagine my horror, when I had such grand plans for him *sigh* . That was the moment I decided to go hard. A few drive by hellos at work and then he started inviting me out. I’d get to his office at closing time and then we’d go out. We hung out with a few of his friends sometimes and it didn’t hurt my plans that they liked me (I’m likeable like that :D). Things went on this way for awhile and then an opportunity presented itself for me to turn up the heat, he wanted to take me out all night. So I went, armed to my teeth and after our night out all sisterly thoughts were very, very dead. That was the beginning of the end. Our relationship bloomed and I found myself taking a lot of crap I ordinarily would not have taken. Dating Uyi made me realise how much horse shit I could really stomach. I was constantly hoping he wouldn’t realise I had manipulated his feelings, walking on eggshells whenever he was upset, afraid to react when he annoyed me. The cost of keeping him was to be untrue to myself, my beautiful nightmare. Of all my relationships it was by far the worst, I finally got tired of being walked all-over and stood up against his crap. He broke it off, via BBM!!!
Moral of this story; manipulation can only take you so far. If you need to help him see what a great prize you are, sweetheart he ain’t worth your sweat.

Like I said earlier I’m no expert but when it comes to relationships I know a thing or two about recipes for disaster.


Posted by on July 6, 2012 in guest writer



Hey people, the final part of ALIAS (at least for now :D) if you missed the previous parts feel free to run through the archives. Enjoy

Tales from College: ALIAS 3(A2) by @CharlzImperator

I loved parties, especially the ones that didn’t end till 4am in the morning; they usually left me tired and useless the next day.
This was one of those days.
I had gotten back to my apartment in the early hours of the morning to sleep but sleep eluded me, it teased my eyelids every once in a while but never took hold of me.
When it was noon I had a shower got some brunch and went to look for a novel to buy, there was not much to do anyway. After combing all the book sellers and my archive of novels and found myself with nothing to read or do, I decided to head over to Alias’s place but not before I dropped in on one of my favorite friends.
Her name was Catherine*(lol) now Catherine was my one of my favorite friends for many reasons, we’d been friends from when we were kids so yes we were pretty close she was like a sister so there was no issue of friend zoned, the thought never crossed my mind.
Now today she was my favorite friend because of Vodka, she always seemed to have a steady supply, even if she didn’t have food she always had some Vodka.
So after I dropped in on Catherine and had a few shots of Vodka and talked a bit I decided to bounce to Alias’s crib to see if she was home, luckily she was.
I sat down on her bed as we played cards, (yes played cards, after being nearly caught the last time I found myself in the process of being friend zoned) until sleep started calling, told her I needed to rest and she should wake me in two hours max.
I wanted to be home for eight, not sure why but just wanted to get home early.
Now my brain seems to know when things are about to happen whether for good or bad and seems to have a way of telling me and at this point in time it was trying to pull me out of slumber but I wasn’t having any of that, I tossed to the side and it seemed that there were people in the room and conversing incoherently or maybe my system was still drowned in Alcohol I couldn’t tell and didn’t care, just closed my eyes and went back to slumber land.
A while later my eyes popped open to the darkness that surrounded me and I was pissed, there was no light and it was late, I checked my phone and it was 1am in the morning.
I looked at Alias sleeping next to me and wanted to scream at her but thought better of it, here she was sleeping next to me in a short silk nightie; she was a sight to behold.
Now all sorts of thoughts started going through my mind.
I reached out to her shoulder and shoved her awake, she turned now facing me (now I’m pretty sure I grew horns because I could feel them) and then opened her eyes
I said ‘Alias what happened? You were supposed to wake me up’
She said ‘oh yeah I’m so sorry I was supposed to wake you but…..’
I didn’t let her finish before I planted a kiss on her lips, she pushed my back and said “No you …..”
Now I’m not sure what she wanted to say but I was having none of that, I planted another kiss and moved my hands up her silk nightie to the side of her bum.
She parted her lips reluctantly at first but soon started to kiss back and bite, the taste of blood on my tongue again, just like the last time I moved to her neck and smelled the familiar scent of strawberries again, in a very twisted way it was intoxicating.
I left her place before seven in the morning and bounced home spent but very happy with myself, another one off the list.
A few hours later she called asking me to please come over that she needed my help with some stuff, I get there a short while later and freeze at the sight in front of me, there was Alias and Alias, Alias was a twin, and an identical twin for that matter, not brutally identical but you’d have to spend a minute starring at them to tell the difference.
Now my body went cold and my brain started spinning.
The real Alias looked at me and asked if I was ok while the other one had a devilish grin on her face
I recovered and said I was good as she introduced me to her twin sister (Who she had never spoken of) and asked me to help with the running around for some church program as they needed an extra driver to help out.
I happily volunteered because I knew for a fact that I was in need of forgiveness.


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Posted by on May 12, 2012 in guest writer



Hey people, its been a minute right? Yea I didn’t get the memo that being a super vet doctor was this difficult *adjust cape and superman shorts*. Moving on to business , shit chronicles is nothing serious, my guest writer a really cute dude T.J gives us his crazy experience. Enjoy 😀

** ** ** **
As a fresh clean dude, (yea I’m vain like that), no but seriously I swear down I’m a 10 no scratch that an 11, finest, freshest guy in this zone. And no I’m not marketing myself, naah mehn I’m too cool for that.
*oyewande: T.J pls shut up and get to story, you think my readers don’t have stuffs to do ko?*

Ohhh, I’m so sorry, now moving on to this gist. It was a beautiful sunny Tuesday morning (beautiful not cos of the weather but cos I had a date with a pretty girl). As a very bad guy I woke that morning feeling fly (as always huh?) Normal routine stuffs, 20minutes in the bathroom to look this handsome *insert the fine boy grin :D*
Suddenly a rumble in my tummy, it was already 11.26am I was supposed to get to her house at 12noon. Oh! Did I mention we fine boys do shit? Oh yea! Bet u didn’t know that right? Good, I see you are learning a lot about fine boys from me. Anyway I did what we fine boys do ‘make the shit vanish’, see what I did there?
Like a boss that I am(please don’t doubt my boss status) I drove at a reasonable speed. You see fine boys don’t rush at all, we are always in form probably come last *see what I did there*. I got to this girl’s house at Games Village 12.45pm I was cocksure she was sitting like a doll waiting for me. Few seconds later I was in her apartment and yes I was right she was in the living room with her flatmates sitting like a blow up doll. Few sentences later the 3 girls were giggling like love struck teenagers, I’m charming like that (you’ve got to appreciate). After gisting for while, I saw the look in her eyes, she wanted me to herself, then I gave her the ‘I can give you what u want’ look. We moved up to her room, cute room very girly infact too girly. Did I mention too much of the colour pink gives fine boys migraine? ( You can check google if you doubt me). She had not even closed the door, before she started kissing me, ‘easy girl I don’t like to rush’ my cocky mind said, although I was kissing her back. After breaking the kiss, I sat calmly, continued gisting casually, I wanted her to want me more. She brought out vodka,cranberry juice and ice. I laughed as I fixed myself a glass with ice, fine boys don’t mix their drinks (best believe). After downing the glass I lifted her off the bed, did a spin that left her dizzy and kissed her silly. I could hear her softly moan, I smiled for a few seconds. And then I heard a loud rumble in tummy, suddenly I started sweating even though the room was cold. I tried not squeeze my face, Oh dear Lord I wanted shit. No I had hot shit waiting to be expelled. I looked into her eyes (at this point fine boy don scatter), and the girl was there waiting to be taken. Odikwa serious, at this point I was hoping my phone would ring, I couldn’t use the girl’s toilet, that’s dropping 100 major cool points. I locked my butt muscles together said a quick prayer, picked up my phone and made an imaginary phone call to my boss asking if the client had come through with the documents. Now at this point I was praying my phone would not ring during my phone conversation. Have ever tried keeping a straight fine boy face when hot shit is catching you? Kai, I wanted to die, I was sweating like a goat, the girl was there on the bed waiting to be loluxed. Like a grown man I looked into her eyes and told her my boss wanted me at Wuse2 immediately. I prayed she would not whine/argue too much, reluctantly she walked me to the gate of her house. I gave her one hell of a goodbye kiss(oh yes I’m an incredible kisser)

Shebi fine boys don’t rush ni? Mehn, I was on about 120km/hr, my tummy was rumbling like a broken train, my bad guy look had turned to scatter dada look. I realised I was shivering yet sweating,I turned off the A.C I knew I couldn’t make it to Wuse2 without messing up myself and my car. I started looking out for eateries, I knew I had to get off the expressway ASAP. As a James bond kinda driver, I got to Garki sharply, found one eatery (can’t remember the name) parked like retarded idiot, like I parked in a spot for 2 cars. Rushed in and asked for the convenience, first floor the attendant pointed. I looked at the stairs, have ever attempted to climb stairs with hot shit at your butt exit? As a bad guys, I did the ‘one two step move’ (never mind I don’t even know what that means). Gbam inside the toilet , I was smart enough to check if it was gents/ladies, I looked in it was semi terrible, 1) toilet bowl was messy 2) no tissue paper 3) no hand bowl (oh yes, fine boys tamba too).
Nnah mehn, I lost my thinking for the next few seconds, suddenly I felt it sipping out. I quickly shut the door,unbuckled my belt, loosened my button,pulled down my trouser, that was the most difficult minute of my life. As I proceeded to do the deed, I felt watery brown something on my boxers. Ovoko! Kai I wore this really expensive boxers cos I was hoping to impress the girl. Now my boxers was messed up, as I was expelling and grunting, my phone rang it was my boss, one of our topshot clients had come through and I was meant to meet up with her in 30minutes. ‘Ghtyaytlsfdkyrealhj’ I cursed as soon as he hung up. Back to business, I swear I was pouring hot shit for over 15minutes non stop(no kidding). There was no way I could wear this boxers all messed up. With much regret , I took off my trouser, took off my boxers too, remember I said there was no tissue paper or bowl. I trashed the boxers in tHe dustbin, then asked myself how I was going to clean up? I took off my shirt and used my singlet to clean up. (Before you judge me walk in my shoes) and please you must be fine to judge me o! I trashed the singlet too, I had less than 15minutes to meet up with my client. I washed my hands and kacked up my clothes. Took my walk of shame downstairs, I went to counter and ordered somethings, the girls at the counter gave me a weird worried look. On my way out I saw my reflections on the glass door, I looked like something a dog chewed. With my corner eye I saw the attendant going upstairs,I figured out he was going to check the toilet. I practically fled, jumped into my car and raced off. Many thoughts flooded my head, what if they gave me a hot chase after seeing the mess I made? Or what if they printed my picture from the surveillance cameras and declared me wanted?
I parked in front my clients office in Wuse2, freshened up with my Cologne, and wiped my face. Fine boy was back. I walked to my client’s door,knocked and entered. Wow! My client was hot, ‘Good afternoon Ma, I’m T.J representing ************ ltd’. I gave her my charming smile, I can’t recall the details of my meeting but I know I was picking her up at 8pm.

N.B: I can actually remember the name of the eatery but cmon you guys will now know my secret? NEVER.

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Posted by on April 19, 2012 in guest writer